Les Miserables a la Disney
by EriksOneVoice
Summary: What would happen if Disney ever got its wholesome paws on our beloved Les Mis? One thing's for sure: it won't be pretty. But it will involve talking animal sidekicks.


**Les Misérables à la Disney**

_Disclaimer: I do not lay any claim to _Les Misérables_ or Disney Pictures. I'm just having some fun._

_Author's note: Just a quick hello ... I'm new to this fandom :)_

To whom it may concern,

From childhood, I have always loved the Disney Corporation's wholesome animated movies. You have adapted many classic stories, successfully butchering them enough to make them suitable for the entire family. I would like to suggest a new project for you – Victor Hugo's famous and well-loved novel, _Les Misérables_. However, due to some questionable subject matter, I propose it go along these lines.

Firstly, the title should be changed because 'Misérables' is hard to pronounce and little children don't know what it means. Do not translate it directly – instead, it will be called something upbeat, because depressing titles are not good enough for Disney.

Now, onto the actual film. Valjean was framed. Criminal protagonists are bad role models for the kiddies. Instead, he was carrying a loaf of bread his sister had made along the street (who needs a reason why?) and the baker accused him of stealing because the baker is jealous that Valjean's sister can make better bread than him. The idea of being let out on parole is just confusing to little kids, so let's just say he escaped with the help of his lovable talking pet dog.

At the bishop's house, Valjean does not steal the silver (don't want the kiddies getting any ideas), but instead, the bishop gives him everything because Valjean has no money. The bishop and Valjean then sing a beautiful and predictable duet in which the bishop advises Valjean to follow his heart.

Valjean follows his heart to Paris, because Paris is easier to say than Montreuil-sur-mer. He does not, however, call himself Monsieur Madeleine, because it will just confuse the children. People in France conveniently don't have criminal records.

Fantine and Tholomyès were married because having children out of wedlock is a big no-no. Unfortunately, Tholomyès, a loving and devoted father, died in a tragic carriage accident, forcing Fantine to leave Cosette with the Thénardiers, Mme Thénardier being Fantine's nice-turned-evil step-sister because it's not good to leave your children to random people you meet as you're walking down the street. Also, this will reinforce the fact that step-relatives are inherently bad.

Fantine gets fired because she worked so hard that she fell asleep on the job and the mean supervisor didn't understand. In trying to support Cosette, she does sell her hair, but not her teeth because that's just gross. Instead she sells flowers. She does NOT, I repeat, NOT become a prostitute, because that is far too immoral for Disney and unsuitable for small, impressionable brains.

Meanwhile, Javert is excessively ugly and just downright nasty and everyone is scared of him. Little children will be bored if we try and explain that he was brought up with the law and they probably won't understand, anyway, so he's just nasty because he is. He has nothing to do with Fantine, because she did not get into a fight with Bamatabois, because fighting is bad. Instead, she worked so hard selling flowers in the snow that she got sick.

We can skip the whole Fauchelevent and Champmathieu affair, because it's just confusing.

Valjean goes to visit Fantine in hospital because he's nice. She dies in total peace after Valjean promises that he will go and look after Cosette. Javert comes in afterwards, suddenly having realised that this is the guy who escaped from prison. There is no need to offer an explanation as to why it took so long for him to recognise Valjean, who, we must stress, is still going by the same name.

Forget Waterloo. It's long and violent and war is bad.

Again, with the help of his lovable talking pet dog, Valjean escapes Javert and goes to see the Thénardiers on the other side of Paris, because Montfermeil is also hard for little kids to say. There, he finds Cosette, who is very pretty despite her lack of food and excess of work, because she is our romantic heroine. Eponine is nice to Cosette, however, because we must be able to sympathise with her later on. Cosette has a lovable talking pet cat, who sings a song with her about wishing on a star and dreams therefore coming true right before Valjean comes. He brings dolls for all three girls, because it's not nice to show favouritism.

The Thénardiers are totally willing to get rid of Cosette because they hate her. The whole money thing is just confusing. Also, there is no alcohol in the tavern, because this is a kiddie movie.

Valjean takes Cosette to the Gorbeau tenement, but it is a lot nicer because we want to teach kids that if people are nice, they get nice things in life. Valjean and Cosette sing a forgettable song about the importance of family love and home with backing vocals provided by their talking pets, who are now best friends.

Javert finds them because ... just because. However, Valjean just asks to work at the convent, because we cut out the Fauchelevent bit. It is also a good way to get around the whole coffin/buried alive thing because we don't want the kiddies to get ideas. Valjean is still known as Valjean because Fauchelevent is too hard to say, and pseudonyms confuse kids.

Now we skip forward. Gavroche is not related to the Thénardiers, because it is not good to abandon children. (It is fine, however, to keep them as unpaid labour.) Instead he is just a cute little kid who happens to be around.

Monsieur Gillenormand did not throw Marius out of the house because that does not tie in with the idea of family love, and political views are just too complicated for kids to understand. Instead, Marius tells his grandfather in song that he wants to go and seek his fortune in the big, wide world. There is no mention of Marius's father, because we cut Waterloo. Marius is not indebted to Thénardier, because Thénardier is a baddie and therefore never does anything good (intentional or otherwise). Monsieur Mabeuf is cut because we already have two old men and we don't need a third.

The Friends of the ABC are introduced by a rousing chorus number where they proclaim that they are 'friends to the end'. However, Enjolras is not quite so freakishly passionate about the cause, because it might scare little children; Courfeyrac is not a womaniser, because that is immoral; Joly is not a hypochondriac because it would be confusing as to whether he is really sick or not and Grantaire would not be a drunk because we cannot have alcohol in a kiddie movie. They are also not initiating any fighting, rather they are trying to protect themselves from Javert's Evil Army who wants to hurt them. Just because Javert is evil and is upset that he can't find Valjean.

Marius is immediately accepted into the ABC Society, because they are all good guys and all good guys like each other.

Marius is living in the Gorbeau tenement next to the Thénardiers, who have not changed their name to Jondrette because it's confusing. Because he does not owe Thénardier anything, this is okay. He is secretly friends with Eponine because she is nice as well.

There is no mention of the Patron-Minette because that is too many bad guys. Thénardier can be rotten all on his own.

Valjean and Cosette just rock up at the Thénardiers' door because Valjean was teaching Cosette the importance of giving to the poor. Never mind why they got out of the convent. They just did. Also, Thénardier does not recognise them because he is stupid as well as mean, and just decides to rob them. Valjean and Cosette escape with the help of their lovable animal sidekicks. Marius is unaware of this because he did not know Thénardier was going to rob Valjean and Cosette, but hears a kafuffle next door, and therefore runs outside to check it out. It is here that he first sees Cosette, because we did not include the Luxembourg bit because Luxembourg is hard to say and stalking young girls is not appropriate behaviour. It is obviously love at first sight because they are both kind and pretty, but unfortunately, Marius has to have his dinner and can't talk to Cosette.

Afterwards, Marius tells Eponine that he is in love. She kind of thinks he's hot, but upon seeing how much he loves Cosette, surrenders all claim on him for the good of true love and because she is nice. She shows Marius where Cosette lives because she just knows.

Marius and Cosette then meet up and sing a beautiful song about true love. This part can be kept exactly as it is in the book because even Disney couldn't make it any chaster.

Valjean decides to move away because he thinks Cosette might like a change of climate. There is no mention of him being worried, because the Patron-Minette did not attempt to rob him because they do not exist. This is a spur of the moment thing, meaning Cosette only had time to write a quick note to Marius before leaving. In doing this, we have successfully eliminated Marius's visit back to Monsieur Gillenormand because marriage is a good thing and should be encouraged. Also, it is too racy to have a mistress in a Disney movie.

Eponine does not take Marius to the barricade because friends do not lead friends to certain death. Instead, she sort of just randomly tags along and does not dress up as a boy, because we are not encouraging cross-dressing. Marius goes because, as he sings to himself, Cosette's love gives him strength and he believes in himself and the power of friendship.

None of the Amis die, because we've already had one good person cark it. Instead, they successfully repel Javert's Evil Army (by believing in themselves and the power of friendship) and in the process, Eponine and Enjolras fall in love. Gavroche just hangs around, looking cute and Disney-ish. On the directions that Cosette left him, Marius goes off to see her, accompanied by the ABC Society, Eponine and Gavroche. There is no need for Valjean to do the sewer thing with Marius because sewers are disgusting and Marius is nice and therefore Valjean must like him as Valjean is also nice. Besides, the good guys won and therefore Marius is not hurt.

Also, Javert was never a prisoner, and instead got sacked because his Evil Army lost the war. There is NO suicide, because we don't want something like that in a kiddie movie. He just sort of evaporates now for no reason.

On top of this, just skip out the Thénardier bit now because it's confusing and everybody's happy and there's no need to spoil it. Just say he went to jail. Nobody cares about Mme Thénardier and Azelma. If you must, they went to jail, too, but that would be wasting valuable screen time that could be spent on the sappy stuff to follow.

On seeing how happy Cosette and Marius are to have found each other, Valjean immediately gives his consent for their marriage. We can skip out all his angsting about his ex-convict past because he knows that he is innocent.

We finish at the double wedding of Cosette and Marius and Eponine and Enjolras. There is a final big cheesy song about family always being there for you and Cosette and Marius adopt Gavroche. Valjean does not die because there is no reason for him not to see Cosette and therefore get sick. Therefore, all the good guys get a happy ending, except for Fantine, thereby proving this a very daring Disney movie because a good person died.

You might also want to consider sequels involving the children of our two happy couples falling in love and bad-quality animation. Make sure that neither Monsieur Gillenormand nor Valjean dies in any of these, despite their age, because they are the Good Guys.

I believe that with these adjustments, _Les Misérables_ can become a wholesome animated film that the whole family can enjoy.

Yours sincerely, a concerned parent.


End file.
